Doing is being. I reprise.

You should write. I say to myself. Every day. I sit, I stare, I think. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Mostly not. I am blocked.

I am taking things for granted. I believe I deserve it. When I am not.

I have time. Hours. Yet I spend it on Facebook and wonder;
Where does the time gone? What have I done?
I lay my head down at the end of the day, knowing nothing has been done and the day is gone.

I wake up in the morning, hoping I will find the Inspiration. The Muse sitting at the end of the bed, breakfast steady and ready for another day of victory.
And suddenly, it’s 9 pm and the time is gone. We have none. I feel guilty.
I had a chance, I had the time. I had the same time as every other human being.

Yet, I failed, gracefully. I betrayed myself and my story.
I lied and I cheated my way through, ending the day with not a page, but nothing to show.
I will write tomorrow, I will write another day.
It’s easy to say.

There is no pressure. There is no urge.
What a foolish thing to say.
When one could step in front a bus any day.
Being hit by a car by accident. Being an arm-length from an exploding bomb. Mad days are coming, anything is possible.

Doing is Being, as my mentor, Ray Bradbury Said. So I must Do.

„…To not to do is to die,
Or lie about and lie about the things
You just might do some day.
Away with that!
…Let your body lead your mind –
Blood the guide dog to the blind;
So then practice and rehearse
To find heart-soul’s Universe,
Knowing that by moving/seeing
Proves for all time: Doing’s being!”

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I’ve Found an Oasis

So, I have always been a hugefan of Wonderwall from Oasis and thought of it as a very nice piece of music.

Yesterday, around 11pm I decided to turn on the Radio and an amazing song came on that made me think of Jimmy from Alienated. The lines went like:

“Maybe I just wanna fly
Want to live I don’t wanna die
Maybe I just wanna breath
Maybe I just don’t believe
Maybe you’re the same as me
We see things they’ll never see
You and I are gonna live forever…”

Now, you probably already got the fact that Jimmy was a pilot. He was flying during World War II before He got offered a job that took him off the planet. When I heard this Oasis song, I got goosebumps. It’s called “Live Forever” and the Acoustic version of it is the best.

But it Wasn’t the only song I’ve found to vibrate with the story of my protagonists. Pixie is known to have some sort of a depression throughout the story. Is it truly depression? I don’t know. It Wasn’t originally written into her character, it was something she told me She struggles with. She has nervous breakdowns and serious lows during the story, but not just for the sake of it. She does have a reason to feel like that, trust me.
Ray ends up primarily coping with the situation when they are left alone and without any sort of available medical care or help, He has to take responsibility for her.

I was clicking around in the sideshow, randomly at different Oasis songs when I found this one called “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”. It’s so sad and encouraging at the same time it left me with so many feelings I honestly feel like I might not be able to cope with work today. The part that goes

“Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why’re you scared? (I’m not scared)
You’ll never change
What’s been and gone…
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You’ll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out.”

Sounds like something Ray would say to Pixie to make her feel better after what will happen to them at a very awkward part of the story.

Anyway, I am going to leave those songs here. Have some Alienated feels.

 

Maya

NaNoWriMo is slowly approaching and I finally just decided on the project I am going to work on.

It is going to be a Fantasy novel… Well, a novel about a fantasy writer who is surprised to end up in her own story. The idea came from looking at stories such as Tenth Kingdom, Games of Thrones and Once Upon a Time. I was thinking about how would the writer feel about their stories if they would actually have to live in them? What would happen if they would have to live their life by the laws of their own creations?

That’s when the idea of this story came to me. I was a bit of a sceptic at first, but now that I had a chance to think it through I realized I could work through this. Now, it seems like a very sweet idea at first, but I can already feel it shaping my own perception as a wanna-be writer. Through the main character I could already see my mistakes and occasional cruelty towards my characters and I slowly understand how much my decisions shape the outcome of the story. It wouldn’t be any different for Maya either. She lived a hard life and she has a dark and misfortunate background story that is already visible in the first few pages. But this background story is the whole basis of the story as she will try and secretly commemorate of it in her entire book series. All the dramatic changes in her real life shape the outcome of her written tales in ways she could never imagine. Would she be proud of what she became in the recent years? Who knows?

The namehas been lurking in my mind for years but I have just researched the background of it. Turns it it will be the perfect name for my dear protagonist and I tell you why. Better, I quote:

Maya or Māyā (Sanskrit māyā) literally means “illusion” and “magic”. However, the term has multiple meanings depending on the context. In earlier older language, it literally implies extraordinary power and wisdom, in later Vedic texts and modern literature dedicated to Indian traditions, Māyā connotes a “magic show, an illusion where things appear to be present but are not what they seem”. In Indian philosophies, Māyā is also a spiritual concept connoting “that which exists, but is constantly changing and thus is spiritually unreal”, and the “power or the principle that conceals the true character of spiritual reality”.

In Buddhism, Maya was the name of Gautama Buddha‘s mother. Maya is also the name of a manifestation of Lakshmi, the goddess of “wealth, prosperity and love”, in HinduismMaya or Mya is also a name used by Muslims. In an Arabian and IndianPakistani context the meaning of the name Mya is ‘princess’ or ‘honourable matriarch‘. In the Nepali language, “Maya” means “love.”…Another origin for the name Maya is the Tupi language spoken by Brazilian native indians, meaning “Mother”, and Mayara, meaning “Grandmother”. “

I found this fascinating as I unconciously named her  “Great Mother” as her alter ego in her own books. A goddess who is responsible for her own “children”, someone who is always there to listen to your problems.

So it is decided. For a while, the book is going to run under the title ‘Maya’ until I find the One True Title.

A few more days until NaNo. Time to confirm the names of he other main characters, including the antagonist, and then we could crack on with this baby.

Fear

I have a constant companion. His name is Fear. Fear that my writing will never be good. Fear that I will accidently get lost in my own stories. That I actually hurt people with it. Real people.

Others think they are just the part of my imagination, just some kind of mind-creations. No. They are all real to me. As long as their story is unwritten, they are safe, they are not complete. Once it is written, it cannot be changed. It is done. I can’t save them any more.

Some people say I don’t have to kill them. Well, I don’t want to… Sometimes, the story demands a sacrifice, a sacrifice that cannot be denied. Yes, it is meaningful, but seeing all the pain it causes makes me want to cry out loud.

I feel everything that my characters feel. I share their happiness, their sorrow, their pain. I am right there, when they have to make the decision, when they have to act. And not always in the way that is forgivable. To me, they are more living that most people that I know in real life.

I may not become a writer, out of the fear that I hurt these people in my head. I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. I might be too sentimental for most people, but this is how I feel. Writing makes me both ecstatically happy and incredibly sorrowful. I wish there would be another way. But I suppose I just have to live with this. I have to try and give them a purpose, a reason to die for. I want people to sing songs about them. To look up for them. To represent the ideas of a dreamer.

A dreamer of a better World.