“What’s the matter?” I keep asking myself every morning as I stare at my face in the mirror.
It’s the face that expresses the emotions stirring deep inside of me. Confusion, Self-doubt, Fear, Disgust and an immeasurable amount of Sadness.
Every day I get my act together, put on a smile and go out to work so I can afford to have a ceiling above my head. It’s not that hard to keep the act together for the customers, but I occasionally catch myself getting a little bit grumpy or snappy towards the colleagues and realize that certain things I said may be inappropriate. So I make a joke out of it… Lucky for me, they believe all my lies.
That I am okay
That I am happy
That I am always out and about and do stuff with people.
While in reality I either sit in my room, staring at the blank screen and that little line blinking at me mockingly…
I am on a bus/train to somewhere, on my own. I reached the point where I stopped asking my friends to come with me because they either
b, Already have plans
c, Have no desire to spend time with me because I am a Bitch.
Yes, I can’t control my words sometimes. I know. Words are my only weaponry and I use them for both self-defense and attack. I speak softly first, but those quiet words lost their power a long time ago, so I have to shout my feelings out. And they are grim. So grim, they scare me to death. However I have nothing else left to use. Of course, people unable to interpret the feelings that have been channeled through those words. They only pick up on the words that they find offensive and they refuse to look at the whole picture. The fact that in these words there is a S.O.S. signal encoded. One that is desperately trying to get back to the place where we used to be. One that is trying to point out the flaws in our encounters with each other. But they no longer pick up on it.
I have been outcast. Left behind. And I guess I could deal with it if it wouldn’t remind me of my life before I moved here.
I had one friend back then and only because She was unfortunate enough to sit down next to me on the first day of High School. She was the only one who stayed with me. Then, When I came here, I got more friends, who had to deal with the fact that I didn’t know how to hug or act normally around people. It took a good year to get around that.
But times changed and so did we. And they slowly started to get too busy or randomly backed out as I became more and more sour. Any time I had one of these “moments” when I overreacted or ignored things, they put it down as tantrums. And I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t do tantrums. It’s just that my depression take control of me and I cannot keep everything bottled up. All my life I’ve been bottling up EVERYTHING.
14 years of emotional, psychological and physical bullying. Not having friends and spending 14 years alone in kindergarten and primary. No one should be left alone at that age with their feelings and thoughts, in the corner of the room. It’s not healthy. It makes you think of bad things.
Like that time when I hid in a School cupboard for 8 hours and watched how the entire place turned upside down over a missing child.
Or when I was out with a group of teens late at night. They took me out so I would socialize, but of course, no one bat an eye or looked for me after I suddenly left the group and hide behind a tree.
Or the night of my birthday here, when an argument escalated over somebody changing her mind and not wanting to stay for the birthday dinner. I left my entire Birthday Party over that too. No one bothered to come after me and gave up after a few calls. They had my birthday dinner with the person who wanted to leave. I could’ve jumped off the bridge near St Aldates. Sometimes I wish I did.
Of course no one knows about these things and the avalanche that ignorance brings with itself. When people who you knew for years think of you as childish, bitchy, temperamental and just annoying as fuck, there is really nothing left to do just step out and stop caring about anyone or anything at all.
I still got that friend though, despite her living hundreds of miles away. I just have to get through life until the next month. Then I could finally find a moment of happiness in the sea of tears.
And to get to the conclusion: There is no need for friends. Eventually, We will all die alone. Why bother working on relationships that seem to be going one-way anyway?
Stick to your characters, your imagination and forget all the rest.